Feelin' Blue

SO, life finds us, climbers, blue... why do I say climbers???? because that's my passion, that's what I love to do without a shadow of a doubt, it's what I live for... ya, you might have something else that does that for you, cool, just substitute your thing and read on... This is not a sermon, or a confession, it's just how I feel and my spit on the page...

I get like this when life catches up to me and  I let it corner me into thinking that I'm trapped... why, because I am choosing for some reason to do everything but what it is that I truly want and love to do... climb! Sure, I can make up some excuse like I have to pay my bills, or someone has to run the business... excuses. But, I argue with myself, they are not excuses, they are hard facts... somewhere along the line in the vast and deadly beautiful wilderness of Patagonia I admitted to myself that EVERYTHING is a choice... so if I now turn around and side with the "hard facts" illusion, I am only lying to myself. Here I am now, in a space between what I know is the truth, and what I would like to believe. I believe that is what my 'blues' are all about. This is something that I have to get down in writing so that I can look at it and work it out.

Waiting... 

This picture inspired me the instant before I took it. Make of it what you will, to me it embodies everything I am feeling right now. Oh, ya... you're right, it's not climbing... what's your point?

What is it that sometimes some of us 'wait' for in life? Is it an answer? Is it divine intervention... a sign of some sort? Or, is it just that we have made a choice for whatever reason to just sit back, let it go by and complain about the fact that it's going by... harsh... I'm talking about myself here, so read into it what you feel is appropriate for you! Here I am, wishing that I were climbing, feeling down and out about all of the things I am choosing to do that are not what I truly want to do... am I waiting for something, something to grab me, to shake me, to pull me and tell me to go do what it is that I love to do? Then this nagging thought filters through my conscience, a thought that goes something like this: "You know the answers to the questions you seek, but they are not the answers you want to hear, not the 'shabang - here's an super quick, super easy solution for you bro'!, so you keep pretending to look even harder for the elusive answers to those questions... and now along with that, complaining about not 'finding' those answers makes you feel better about it! ...or does it really? Be honest with yourself now, shake all the rest off, look into the mirror and tell yourself that there has been no divine intervention, that you still seek the answers to your questions because they have not appeared to you! My reflection looks back at me blankly and without a smirk or any expression at all fires back simply, BULLSHIT!        I am feeling blue...

What do we fear...

So this has spilled eh! I know what the answer is... so why am I still sitting here feeling blue? Has anything changed with this knowledge? It should.

Now the question becomes, "why, when we know the answer, do we ignore its simplicity and continue to search for something that is far more complicated?". OUCH, did I just say that... guess i did, cuz it's written right back there! Is there an answer to that question that is universal you ask... no, I don't think so. I believe that answer will be quite person specific. Why am I still blue then?... because I am afraid to make the choices that I know I have to make in order not to feel this way. Afraid... me... ya. Afraid of what? Fear is usually of the unknown. I don't know or understand some of the possible consequences to some of the choices I know I have to make to move out of this blue... so I fear them. It has me sort of paralyzed. BULSHIT my brain screams at me, this was not an issue in Patagonia! You were just doing what you love to do there and did not have a problem with it did you?... what do I say to that? where does that leave me in my thinking...    blue.

Grateful to stand...

The beautiful part of being human is that we can choose where we wish to spend our time, in the past, in the future, or in the present moment... moment by moment! Here I am. My moment includes being loved, having shelter, having food, being ok in fact! Does my 'moment' include blue? The answer that I know, but often choose to ignore for want of a more complex, more epic answer is simply: ONLY if I allow it to! BULLSHIT screams something deep inside my head... I know better now...

A moment ago I was blue, in search for an answer to my feelings. In this moment, now, I feel free, feel thankful for what I experience right now. I know that if I choose to go climb, I will... and I also know that I will face the consequences to that choice, all in a line, all as they filter home in those precious moments to come. Now, I feel free.

High...: Friendship Amongst Climbers

High...: Friendship Amongst Climbers

Friendship Amongst Climbers

Friendship is one of those things that you either have or don't have! What does that mean??? I totally believe that most "friendships" are simply a matter of convenience, or at one or more of the 'friend's' personal expense. OUCH, how can I say that... because it is what it is! No, don't try to convince me that there are different 'levels' of friendships, or types...  as the Brits would say, "Rubbish!". What am I talking about then??? Read on...


Here goes, and feel free to agree or not! The friendship that I'm talking about is unconditional, that's right, no conditions... (don't get political on me here now... read the romantic side of this). I have been a part of many 'friendships' throughout my years, and I can admit that in the past I have been both the benefactor and the bastard! Of those friendships, the only ones that persevere are those that exist without interference of ego, hormones or other pointless emotions like jealousy, envy and greed (ya, greed can be an emotion, leave me with that!). So what then is this persevering 'friendship' made of, based on, surviving on??


Love. Oooooooh, there it is, that infamous four letter word that requires a blog all on it's own. I am going to employ that word in the truest sense of it's meaning. Leave it at that. BUT, it is not the only ingredient to a healthy, awesome, and timeless friendship! Being at peace with yourself is another firm requirement. If you are at odds with yourself in any way, you will project that into the friendship in some way, and that will create some form of imbalance and eventually cause a condition that evolves into an 'ego fest' of stupidity! The sort of friendship I am spitting about seems to be as elusive as the "Holy Grail" these days!

In my thirty-odd years of involvement in the world of climbing and mountaineering (not full-time) I have shared rope and many EPIC moments with a few people who today, simply put, would give their lives for me in an instant. That thought is reciprocal without conditions. Being 'right' is never an issue. That is ego driven and destroys many friendships before they have a chance to flourish. Do you do things, give things for your friends expecting something in return, even secretly deep inside? That's not how it works... How to explain this? With some of these beautiful people, contact is maybe once every two or three years, but when it happens, it's like we spoke last only yesterday and have not skipped a beat! Others, I see and interact with on a regular basis and it's just as intense. With some I have given volumes and truly, honestly never expected a thing in return. With others I have received volumes knowing that truly, honestly nothing was expected in return! The giving and taking never affects such friendship because it is not ego driven. I would even be so bold as to suggest that this kind of friendship comes before love... but is so intricately woven into the coarse fibers of love that it's difficult to distinguish as an entity of it's own. Pheeeew!


Enough... that was getting deep. Here it is, what I truly want to say: Thank you to all those who share in such a friendship! You light the way for others to follow and keep the true meaning of this concept alive. Climbers are not the only ones to experience this intense friendship... I'm not that vain! If you do not have such friendship, first I deeply empathize with you, second, start by sorting out your issues with yourself and then make new friends! It's never too late! Get on a rope and share the deepest sense of responsibility for anothers life... who knows, you might like it too! : P


Spread the love... life is short my friends!