THAT Question!

It's 2013, the start of a new year and so many people are caught up buzzing about resolution this and resolution that! It's also the time of year where people ask THAT question the most, "So what are you going to do with your life? What are your goals, what is your purpose?". If you are reading my blog, you may fit societies general description of, "an aimless, wandering generality with no real focus who just keeps chasing dreams." ...sound about right? Quips like, "when are you going to find a real job?", and "it's time to grow up and become a productive member of society" seem to be directed your way far too often.
Do I Have Your Attention yet? 

This past summer my dad passed away quite suddenly. Those who know me well, know that my relationship with my dad was a strained one at best. In short, I was the Black Sheep of the family and never amounted to anything productive or useful it seems. I had recently moved to BC and not seen my folks for a few months. As my dad was deaf and my folks did not make the jump to having a computer in the home, the only opportunity I had to speak with him was face to face. Essentially, I received a phone call from my mom on a Friday evening, and my dad slipped into a coma and passed away the next day. Although I made it there while he was still alive on life support, I did not have an opportunity to speak with him. I mention this event, as it was the catalyst that screamed silently at me to figure out answers to THAT question, among others.

I have done many different things in my life, and always made a point of doing them to the very best of my ability. What those vocations and professions were is not so important. Now that my dad has passed away, I found me asking THAT question of myself! The fact that at age 50 I had still been searching for the answer and not made any significant inroads to a cohesive solution frankly freaked me out!
I believe that I have finally come up with an answer. Here goes:

MY PURPOSE IN LIFE is to take the very best care of me that I can! Simple enough. If I do that then health, happiness, love, success... all of the things that are wished so often... have a chance to come to fruition. Taking the very best care of myself results in my direct responsibility for my own happiness, health, sense of love and compassion for others, and so much more. I have been searching for happiness in my job/career, in other things and other people. Sure, I have found it and always wondered why it was so inconsistent, so irregular! IF I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS and have achieved that, then I can take that with me anywhere I go. I can be truly happy of my own accord which does not allow others the opportunity to easily snatch that away from me. So, my purpose in life then creates a solid foundation upon which all else can thrive. Does it truly work though?

Most of us have met that one person in life who inspired us to keep on going. Somewhere along the road we encountered a person who just impacted us to change the way we see things, inspired us and gave us the motivation to keep on the quest for the answer to THAT question. They just seemed to have it all together, happy, positive, energetic, full of life and had a sincere passion for living. I have been that person, but sadly did not quite understand how I achieved that and eventually fell back into looking for the answer to THAT question in all the wrong places. I have also met several such people in my life journey so far, and now finally understand how they could be that way and above all, how they could STAY THAT WAY. Without fail, each one of these people had chosen to learn about themselves, to deeply care about themselves and their own intrinsic state of well being. This then spilled over into their every-day lives and created the person you met, the person who impacted and inspired you!
HOW SIMPLE IS THAT!!

Since this blog does revolve around the alpine and climbing world, I must say that I have met all of those inspiring people in this realm. It may quite possibly be the fully introspective expanse of time at the end of a rope that acts as the catalyst to thinking of taking the very best care of ones self, for ones self! It is a paradigm shift if you will, from relying on others and other things for your joy and overall sense of well being to taking that responsibility on as your own. If your joy and love for life truly comes from within it is much more difficult for others to influence it in a negative way or to take it away!
YOU - SOMETHING THAT IS TRULY YOURS!

So, what does this all mean?
How can you make the move and truly take on the task of taking the very best care of you that you can?
It seems to be quite a simple thing no?
There are aspects of our lives that can and do hold us back from the process that the choice requires. It is probably why we meet fewer of those inspiring people and more of the rest of society. There exist many 'cliches' that describe this concept: "Walk to the beat of your own drum", "Walk the road less traveled", "surround yourself with like-minded people", and more. These inspirations exist for a reason. If you continue to surround yourself with friends and people who look for the answer to THAT question in their careers, jobs and others, you will do the same. OUCH! Sorry, the truth is often startling! A definition of complacent insanity: "If you continue to think, do, and act the same way and expect things to change...!"

I let my dad influence me into believing that I needed to look to others and a career for a sense of happiness and self worth. I allowed that to become my reality and to blind me from ever finding an answer to THAT question. I miss my dad. It affects me differently every day. But my dads passing has enabled me to truly open my eyes, to keep them open, and to see the world and my life in a very different way.
WHAT'S HOLDING YOU BACK?

I want to wake up every morning, to look out and see those massive 200 foot high Douglas Firs gently swaying in the breeze, to hear the magic of bird song filtering through the forest, hear the music of raindrops on the tin roof, feel the cool air caress my skin... My joy has become my own responsibility to those feelings. Slowly I will again become one of those people that you may meet one day who will inspire you with my positive energy, my passion for living and my infections sense of intrinsic joy!

On the road to healing. WHO is going to join me! Shake off your chains, stand up and grin at yourself in the mirror! "If it's to be, it's up to me!". I would love to hear from you if you make the choice to do this. I would love to once again surround myself with like minded people!
"There is no try, just do!" Yoda

Much love!

 INSPIRATION for all of our children!
Thanks Kim! You can do this... NEVER GIVE UP!
Continue to be the inspiration you wish to see in others!

Finding Your Groove

We know all of the hype and stats about how many times the average person changes careers in their productive, working lifetime. Are you one of these people, one of the statistics that we read and hear about? If you are, then you have taken the plunge, so to speak! You have gone through the often agonizing thought process of justifying why you should risk all and go forward with your decisions. You are a risk taker, keeping in mind that there are different degrees of risk!

So here you are, gone through all of the foreplay and find yourself at your new choice of career - whatever it may be. If you made your decision based on your own intrinsic set of values and personal parameters of interest, passion, viability and level of comfort, then you will be looking ahead. If different reasons have generated choices with a less solid foundation, then you may find yourself looking over your shoulder and entertaining wild thoughts of why you did this and experience hot flashes of regret. Lets focus on looking ahead with a clear conscience and an open mind! This is where I find myself now, today, in the moment!

Keeping in line with my character and way of doing things, I not only changed careers, but changed cities, regions and provinces right across the country! Hell, why not? If you are going to make some changes, then make some changes! I have never been one to idly dip a toe in the water to test the viability of a quick dip... I tend more to jump in head first after researching conditions and look forward to enjoying an awesome lengthy swim! So, from Ontario to east Vancouver Island... could not get much farther west in this beautiful country! I Immersed myself in a new career knowing that this is a large part of the fuel for my passions in life. I believe that I have become wiser through my experiences thus far. I worked so hard for so many years trying  to keep my passion as my vocation. I finally acknowledged that in doing so, I was actually unable to continue to pursue my passion for myself, for my own pleasure. Instead I was, for the most part, sharing my passion with others and enabling them to get out there and live their dream! Nothing wrong with that, but I was dying on the inside. Day after day I watched as I kindled the fire in others and they set off to do what I wished I still had the time and resources to do. Was it their fault, was it my fault... who cares! That's not the point. Have you found yourself in that position? Your career resonating around exciting and empowering others to get out and participate in an activity that is your passion in life. Then realizing that your choice to do this does not enable you to get out and pursue that passion yourself? Outcome over time...?

So here I am in a recent career choice that still enables me to excite others about activities that are my passions in life, but also encourages and enables me to get out there and walk the talk! Is this the holy grail of careers for me? I am not at a point yet where I can definitively say YES! Why not you ask candidly? This now, is the focus of "Finding Your Groove"! 

New location, new surroundings, new town ,new province, new... sigh. Being able to go with the flow of change is the name of this game! Change excites me, gets those creative juices flowing and keeps my mind sharp. Must be the rather large amount of Gypsy blood in me - my Oma warned me about this! Most recently, now, the focus is on getting all of the individual components of a happy life to balance and function as an integral unit. New career, family, friends, health, physical activity, love, free time, idle time, passion time, kayaking time, surfing time, climbing time, mountain biking time, hiking time, reading time, expedition planning time, travel and exploring time... now it's time to find the groove where all of this comes together and functions to create a lifestyle that is fun, happy, healthy, passionate and sustainable! Is it even possible? Yes.

How, we ask at one point or another in our lives... how is it possible? The bottom line answer for each of us is that we have to want ti to be. Not just want, but desire it to be, desire it so badly that it hurts! To other grey people who have 'settled for', we then look like people possessed! All manner of slurs end up flying your way... just because you have made up your mind and decided that you want to change your life to the life you wish to lead! Be strong in your conviction! For every one person you will find that supports you, there will be dozens who do their very best to discourage you. "Never Give Up"! Focus forward and strive for that feeling of being 'in the groove', you've had it as a fleeting emotion before or would not be on this compelling journey to begin with! It's that feeling which is so difficult to describe in words! I believe that the French call it Je ne sais qua... iIt's an emotion driven by a combination of adrenaline and endorphines which elicits a feeling of euphoria... a feeling so perfect that you crave being there again! That's being 'in the groove'. Yes, your life, your entire moment to moment existence can be either in the groove, or a series of moments in the groove compiled into one happy human! 

This is huge. Enormous, even! Daunting to most if viewed as a singular state of being, all at once. I prefer the trickle approach, one precious moment at a time! The culmination of these individual more-or-less sequential moments will eventually evolve into my state of wholly being in the groove. I know I am close. I am still on the teeter-totter leg of my journey, but am finding myself in that moment of balance for longer periods of time, and the sway out of balance to be more gentle and less distressing in amplitude! In plain English, I am beginning to create the time and the means to get out there and do the things I am passionate about. This has everything to do with where you choose to live and what you choose your career to be! I am so fortunate to be working in a career environment where all of us collectively understand the vital importance of this concept. The tag-line of the company is "Getting You Out There". The vision is dualistic and intended for the staff as well as the customers! This vision can only be fully actualized if it is kept alive, in focus and made a priority every day! If it's to be, it's up to me... you too can be the catalyst to positive change! If you find that you are in a place where this is not condoned, where you are the odd-one-out, then it's time to visit your inner most needs, wants, desires and emotions! Time to make the change... NEVER GIVE UP!

This is a work in progress! I'm just over three months into a goal I set back in 98! Stay tuned. Much love...

Rain On The Roof...

Have you ever had that perfect picture of something in your mind? it's a vivid scene of something you so incredibly yearn for. Kodachrome pastels and vibrant Fuji Velvia greens, every detail, faint scent, nerve tingling texture, direction and intensity of wind, aspect of the waves... all there in your mind to create the most incredible scene - perfect according to all six of your senses!
The holy grail in ones life may be to achieve in reality those scenes that one plays out so perfectly in ones mind. Have you accomplished that... at least once? What was it like? Was every detail as intense and intimately the same as it was in your vision? How long did the euphoria last? Did the scene live on to become something permanent in your life or was it transient and shifting on the breezes of loose emotions to transform into something vague and indifferent with time?

Before I ever physically ventured to the mountains I had my very own picture-perfect vision. A scene of what my ideal life would be like if I indeed gathered the courage and took the cue to 'get the hell out' and move from my perceived state of misery and quasi-pathetic existence to where I truly understood I needed to be. I have been to mountainous areas in four different countries and on three different continents searching for that very same vision. You know, it's the vision that is so vivid in your mind that you just know you will recognize it instantly when you see it, feel it, hear it... become immersed in its intensity of purpose! You will just know.

When I close my eyes and let myself into my inner thoughts I perceive the sense that I have almost been there. I intrinsically know that several times I have been so very close to wandering into that special scene, that special place with its unique site and situation that entices each of my senses just so. In all of the most sincere honesty though, I must share, that I have never truly arrived! Not once have I been able to stop, to freeze and fiercely proclaim that "this is it - my perfect vision at last!". I am left with a primal sense of deep longing for what I almost found! This feeling of longing is mixed with an intense euphoria derived from the realization of being so very close to something that I crave so much. What I found and experienced was a piece of my vision, a segment that when combined with others begins to complete the picture much like an incredibly complex puzzle in ones mind. This drives me to keep looking, to keep believing that my vision can indeed be a blissful reality. So I continue searching for my very own aspect of tranquility, knowing deep inside that I will find it... I know I have been there before, just not quite able to put my finger on it!

So, some of us develop the courage, the ambition and the immunity to the adverse advice of the Grey They and embark on a journey of discovery. A journey to capture the rapture of that pristine vision and to live within its intricate details! I have truly met a few souls on my own journey who could solidly state that they have arrived, that they are indeed immersed in THE life within their very own special vision! Yes, they were innately happy, full of joy, peace and had a powerful sense of vibrant energy about them. Their scene, it's site, situation and accompanying stimulants may not have been for my senses, but it was theirs, the actualization of their very own special vision. These unique individuals gave me hope and the strength I needed to continue my on my own journey for the reality of my own unique vision. Knowing that I was not alone on such a quest was monumental. The realization that there were awesome others who had believed against all odds and left much behind to discover their own unique vision of existence renewed my confidence and fortified my resistance to the incessant negative barrage from the Grey They! I am sure that you other visionaries out there experience this debilitating 'friendly fire' from Grey friends and family too! The guilt trips and pointing of crooked fingers in your direction... mmmmm, you've been there too!

I continue on my journey-quest. I do enjoy meeting and sharing with like-minded souls. You are relatively few and far between, but take to heart what it is that I am sharing. On each leg of my journey I meet more of you and cherish all of you. Most recently, thank you to a special person on their own journey who took the time to be a true friend and to allow me to live in a very special place in Otter Point, BC. This special place turned out to be yet another elusive fragment of my vision, one that makes complete a critical series of pieces to the puzzle. I am close, so very close now. You know I will persevere, I will continue my journey until it is abundantly clear to me that I have arrived... am indeed immersed within my vision, senses tingling and an intense life energy vibrating in tune with every cell of my being!

For those of you who identify, who understand my ramblings... please say hi... stay tuned, follow my blog... and make sure you keep in touch! Much love and ciao for now!

New beginnings... raw emotions!

So you fall in love with a certain aspect of nature, to the point of craving, urgently desiring to be near or immersed in it. Mountains for me. Climbing, crag, mountain, high alpine, ice has consumed my life for so many years! It has had a profound effect on who I am today, on my character and my physical self. My passionate goal in life has always been to live in those mountains, to immerse myself in their grandeur and humble my existence to their vibrant beauty. Until recently, I had succumbed to the profound excuses ones mind fabricates to avoid the potential pains of massive change.

Yes, change is grand, but always comes at a price, the price of inevitable but real consequences. The often delicate fabric of ones very being becomes challenged when faced with decisions that have raw, nerve grinding implications. These include leaving behind family, friends, familiar places and enchanting memoirs in the quest for achieving ones objectives and living the goals of ones passions! Oh, but we will visit often, and yes, we will call every week, write as often as we can and...  The raw reality becomes everyone busily scurrying about to continue to make ends meet. Days turn into weeks and become months which we then celebrate on December 31st into years! Alone.

But, remember, everything is a choice and therein lies solace that one can indeed live their dream and still stay connected to everything that truly matters. This is the secret, the holy grail to breaking  free and moving on to live your dream! You choose to stay in touch, or not! You choose to write, to phone, to text, to visit, or not. You do this because it is what you truly want to do, without any pre-conceived motives... any return from others then becomes a beautiful thing and not an expected one! How incredibly simple and sweet is that!?! Once one plugs into that kind of psyche, into such an energetic space, no barriers really matter. And the most incredible aspect of choosing to exist in this mind space is that other like-minded individuals sense your clarity. Unbelievably, from ground zero, new souls seeking similar friendship appear!

I made the choice to leave almost everything that was familiar behind in my personal quest to be close to the mountains... for the second time now. Again, I have re-discovered my true self, my very own vibrational frequency in the larger space of this incredible world. I have revisited the state of being alone by choice and have found myself once again working through the emotional minefield of my own doubts and insecurities. It is truly an amazing experience from which the resulting growth as an individual is simply awesome! My fears and perceived shortcomings have transformed into something truly unanticipated... the simple joys of breathing, touching, seeing, hearing, putting one step in front of the other to cover distance! I have learned to take nothing for granted and to accept and live each moment as it unfolds. Yes, I miss my family, my children, my friends and even the familiar places. It is however no longer a painful emotion. I am excited that I understand it's up to me how and when I will see them and interact with them. I am so excited to receive any communications from them as I have not placed any expectations on that premise. Each moment is truly special. Each moment spent in that space has enabled me to be open to fresh friendships here in this new place I choose to call home.

Thank you to all whose lives have brushed by and left a lasting impression! I am here, in the mountains, by the sea and immersed in nature where I love to be! What choices are you making to chase your dreams? Are you ready to accept the inevitability of their consequences? There is no shame in being real, raw and true to who and what you are!

Do it again... Let's do it again...

Been a while! Not idle though, just living more life and gathering more fuel for writing!
So, in my last ramblings I had mentioned something about "Alberta Bound"... well, I had the concept of "west" right, just not Alberta! I have made a solid, conscious decision beyond Alberta... here it is!

READING THIS MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO AN IDLE STATE!

The Backdrop:
This is the actualization of a dream that formed in my mind so very many years ago and began in earnest in late 1998! I have always had "Mountain brain", and thank my dad for that in all sincerity. He had the opportunity to live in mountainous regions and passed that passion on to me. It's simply my style to pursue my passions to the n'th degree!

The Catalyst:
In 2000 I finally managed to visit and climb in the Canadian Rockies and experience mountains for real... for the very first time! If it was a passion before then, I was immesurably hooked! My being truly came alive in the mountains and subsequently left a piece of my soul there, vowing to return and become whole again. This marked a period in my life that was wrought with tremendous upheaval... anguish, loss, a marriage on the rocks and as always, if we endeavor to fall far enough, new beginnings. I had embarked on a journey which would take me through some of the blackest periods of my life as well as the most intensely incredible experiences I have had!

The Fuel:
My wild pendulum through life experiences has recently begun to shorten its swings through extremes and has left me immersed in a brand new world of hope! In 2007 I met Mia. That changed everything! On our first date I vowed to share with her in no uncertain terms that I was on a quest to "go west", and that if she was not truly passionate about doing the same... I was wasting precious time! She beat me to the punch and laid that line on me of her own accord before I could get there... HOLY, one could say that from that instant in time we were destined to undertake that journey together.

The Last Hurdle:
Ontario is a beautiful province and has been my home... it does however lack one solid part of my passion! Yes, I had some awesome times climbing, hiking, camping, kayaking, loving and living! I even managed to make my biggest passion my work! I found myself beginning to untangle me from the unsalvagable mess that my work and I had created in our passionate ten year relationship! It was the intensely painful severing of the last tangle that finally enabled my 'quest for west' to become a reality.

The Leaving:
Do I miss my family, my children, my friends... Hell ya! I truly hope that as a parent, a friend and as a son to wonderful parents I am sending a powerful message of hope! Life truly is what we choose to make it. It is also our choice to sit idly and watch it go by! Someone once told me that, "If you can conceive it, and you can believe it, you can achieve it!". They also told me that there would be many others out there who would do their utmost to dissuade me from achieving my goals. On both counts, they were dead on! My dream is that all of you find your passion, set a goal and go for it. I will only encourage and support you!

The Journey:
Drove alone, southern Ontario to the west coast BC in three days... seen it all before, had a fire burnin' in my soul to gitter done! Appreciated all of the beauty along the way and anticipated the bitter-sweet of the arrival in a new place: no Mia yet, no friends, no acquaintances, no homeys...
Thank you to a very brave young lady and her brother for chasing their dream and making their own journey to the west! I did have a part of our family to be with and that is so awesome! Thanks Kim and Chris.

The Now:
I love my work as retail manager at Ocean River Sports in Victoria. My quest for a place to live that has me close to the mountains and the ocean is ongoing, but getting closer!
I miss my beautiful soulmate something fierce, but know that in January Mia and I will once again be together... She is making her own journey through her tangled web of lifes experiences and chasing her quest for west in a very serious way! I am proud!
I know that I will see our children out here. You are all very precious to me and know that I love you beyond measure and will support you in the development and actualization of your own passions in life! I am so very excited about it all!

The Future:
That's for my next blog! Your happiness will not be found in things, or in places... it must be found within so that you can take it anywhere your passions lie! A little secret I learned in Patagonia. Thanks Ben, Jaya, Joos and all of my friends in that special place!

As always, if I have inspired you, I am so happy... if I have offended you, that means you are feeling something, the very first step to finding your passion in life!

Thank you to my Mia, my friends, children and family for your support and love through all of this! You are my reason for being!  Much love to all :)

Alberta Bound... until I die

Ya, it's the title of a country song, but has stuck in one of those endless loops in my mind since 2000! That was the year I threw away all "logic" and decided to go out to see the mountains... left a piece of my soul in those high, lofty places and made it a solid commitment to get out there to live if it's the last thing I do with the last breath in my body! I have been back out there in those mountains several times since then, but only to visit and have to return to where I came from. Yes, I did take the plunge and moved to Patagonia to live and work in the mountains a short while ago, but that ended rather abruptly and is not the topic of my blog today. I love Patagonia and the people I met there and look forward to returning there at some point in my life.

So, it is in August of 2011 that I have made the commitment to return to Alberta, this time to live, work and play! How exciting is that! I will make the move at the end of September, driving out with the little belongings that I have. Of course that will include my climbing and wilderness gear, my books and a few clothes. It's all anyone needs. : )  I have the unique opportunity of being able to drive out with two of our kids as well which will make the trip even more memorable and exciting! My only pain is that once again I am leaving Maria, my beautiful soul mate, wife and partner in Ontario until she is able to follow...

One deliberates such decisions and agonizes over all kinds of outcomes... in the end, I know and understand that our love for each other is intricately woven into the essence of mountain culture. We both crave to be back in the mountains and will commit to doing whatever it takes to get there once again! Mountains speak a universal language to those of us that understand it... you know who you are, and you know what I mean! Some could not care less for mountains and see them as stoic images of hardship, danger and overshadowing mass. For those people, I read as a lunatic, a fanatic, a person who has lost touch with reality and what is important in life. For the kindred spirits out there, we know a different meaning for mountains, and have a very  unique feeling in our hearts for the privilege of being in their presence!

So, now I prepare for the move to Alberta. I prepare for the next epic chapter in my colorful life! Stay tuned for some very happy notes as this lifes dream works it's way to fruition! Much love to all and keep searching for the true direction in your life. Do not ignore the yearnings in your heart...

Life Changes

So... Life does change for all of us at some time or another. The changes may be imperceptible, subtle or huge life-altering ones. What has changed in your life and how has it affected you, your family, your pets, your friends, your enemies, people you did not even know about??? Change has an outcome, either positive, neutral or negative. The complexity of the matter is that the change in your life affects others around you in different ways... the effect is not the same for everyone! Something to think about...

Life has recently changed for me. Yes, it was a choice, and yes that choice had clear, and not so clear consequences... some of them I don't even know yet! From passionate climbing gym owner to... well, NOT a climbing gym owner! Still passionate about every aspect of climbing, but everything that evolved from and hovered around the climbing gym is now past tense. After 15 years, Off The Wall Indoor Climbing has ceased to be. Notice I did not say it's gone! That is not all bad. What prompted me to write was the incessant thoughts that keep me awake at night... all night long, for weeks now.

What's next?... how to deal with the debt?... now there is nowhere local for climbers to go!... how many people have I let down?... sigh. It's incredible what your mind comes up with in a time of uncertainty and great stress...

So, what good is there with change that one can focus on, that one could celebrate and be happy with? This is what I truly want to dig into! I could write volumes on all of the negativity, "reality" and adverse effects of change. These come forward and dominate the landscape of ones being all too easily! I humbly choose to explore the lighter, brighter side of change, the side that does not obviously present itself, or is simply overshadowed by the inky, darker side if we let it! Why is it that most people find it so easy to become immersed in the murky, sticky substance of the darker side of change? It is the most prevalent direction of thought that comes easiest to me! I have to fight, all day long every day, with the closet  full of demons all clamoring to get out... it's like being at a Rammstein concert while truly wanting to listen to classical Vivaldi! It's the dark side of me that craves the Rammstein... crap. I like Rammstein! Sigh.

So, I do have to say that it is the love of my immediate family and that same love from my true friends that has kept some semblance of the lighter side in focus for me. These are the people who have truly grabbed me physically and emotionally and have shaken me loose from the darker side of my thoughts long enough for me to begin to actualize that I can choose something different! Wow. So, this is my revelation in doing my best to focus on the lighter, brighter aspect of change.

What is it that this change has manifested that I can be truly ecstatic about? This was a true soul search for me because I truly loved what I did at Off The Wall! So, I came up with a few things that may be a catalyst to other thoughts at some point. When I plan a road trip now, I don't have to weigh the cost of trying to replace myself at OTW. Monumental! I don't have to stress over running a business any more. Huge! No more 3am alarm calls during the worst snowstorm of the year to a brick thrown through the front window by a pathetic ex-employee. Wow! I don't ever have to answer another call by some organization begging for money. Sigh! No more washing pee out of kids harnesses. Yaaaay! No more cleaning s h i t off of various surfaces of the washroom. Oooooh Yaaaa! I can look forward to the 15th and the last of every month without stress. Incredible feeling! I feel that this is a good beginning, a real catalyst to actually beginning to feel the lighter, brighter side of this change. I will be ok. My family will be ok.

A true thank you, straight from the heart first and foremost to EVERYONE who truly cared about OTW. I love all of you very much. If you ever feel compelled to send me a note of encouragement, you know that it will go a long way to keeping this boy on track, on the rails to his next adventure... whatever that may be.
Thank you so very much for all of it. : )
Much love...

Indifferent Apathy... or is it??

...in my late 40's I don't consider myself old at all!  I grew up in an average family, sometimes very poor, mostly getting by, but certainly not wealthy. We did not have a dishwasher or fancy laundry facilities. Those things are technology, and are not what my intrigue is focused on.

So much has changed from the generation I grew up in to the teens of today! I don't mean the technology, hairstyles or fashion (although  that has changed tremendously as well). I am addressing different things like courtesy, humility, acknowledging ones elders, assisting with general chores, having basic responsibilities in a family that help one learn useful things for a life on ones own. Ok, many call it respect, or even integrity! This is not a rant by any means, nor is it a diss toward teens! It's an exploration of what is, of what I observe every day, a comparison to what "was" considered etiquette or perhaps even respect! Not sure if it's just me or this is a more widespread phenomenon! You want me to be more specific...

When we (I use the term we loosely to address the generation I belong to) entered a home (regardless of who's home) we removed our footwear at or as near the door as we could... not only that, but we picked it up and carefully placed it out of the way so the next person in the door would not have to trip over it. Not enough you say...

If my folks, or others labored in the kitchen cooking a meal, we would have been so very ashamed if we sat aside after the excellent meal and watched as they washed the dirty dishes as well. We would have found great humility and even joy in being able to help out and do that as a token of gratitude for the excellent meal. It would have been the least we could do.

I am pretty sure that if we used the last few sheets of toilet paper on the roll, that we would have gone out of our way to ensure that we replaced it with a new roll, or if it was unavailable at least thought to leave a note, or a box of tissues in its place! Still looking for more...

Ok, this one just completely defies reason... if I were to go and do my laundry and find clothes left in the dryer (that were dry & from my parents laundry) that I would most assuredly not throw them back in with the dirty laundry or on the dirty floor of the laundry room. My thought would be to either neatly fold those clothes and leave then on top of the dryer, or find a clean laundry basket to put them in & take them to my parents room.

Sigh. If I gave you any more it would indeed become a rant! Not what I intend.

Why has this changed? Am I the only one of my generation to note such things? Talk to me.

I have theories, thoughts, postulations, but none of that matters when I am in the midst of it going on... I just have to bite my lip and keep my mouth shut! I am not confrontational, do not wish to incite an argument and find it easier on everyone in the long run if I just keep on keeping on... I just want to understand it, is all! It does not compute in my mind at all. I would love to hear some rational, calm, discussional feedback to this observation. : )

Spread the love! I love all all five of the teens in my family very much. I just don't understand some things... maybe I'm just old school & leave it at that. Peace out.

Living IT

"Living The Dream"... something we say to people that we perceive to be living the life of choice, whose choice, what kind of life qualifies? the life we think is ideal? ...so what is that then? Being a person who is actually doing this seems to be as elusive as the Holy Grail! Have you ever been on the receiving end of that comment?? If you have, then you must know what "Living The Dream" truly is?

I have been on the receiving end of that comment. At the time, it made me feel awesome, on top of the world and gave me an incredible rush! I'm not so sure that I understood what the actual statement meant to me at that instant, but it sure sounded amazing being the recipient of that descriptor! As recreational climbers, we hear that statement every once in a while about great climbers who commit themselves to road-trip for years and pursue their passion of climbing with an attitude of, "whatever it takes"! These individuals do great things for the sport, and may eventually become icons that the rest of us look up to and dream of becoming... dream of "Living The Dream".

In a large way, maybe that's what it's all about! In others perception, maybe those seen as Living The Dream give hope and inspiration to the rest of the world with what it is that they are doing. I sure know that I was incredibly inspired by climbers like the late Alex Lowe and Dan Osmond... were they "Living The Dream"? To me, as a recreational climber who craved to become better, craved to spend more time on the rock and ice faces of the world they sure were! I have been inspired by many great climbers who to me, are sure Living The Dream!

Why would I have been on the receiving end of that comment??? is something that I have asked myself many times in the past few months. I sure don't see myself that way now... but then I am not where I was, am not doing what I was doing... so then, one can fall from this state for sure!?! Or is it simply the perception others have of us?? Is it possible that each and every one of us can Live The Dream??? ...maybe it's simpler than doing something radical that becomes obvious to most others? Maybe more of us Live The Dream than we know... maybe we live our own dream, whatever that is, the dream that puts us in our happy place in life! Maybe that constitutes the weekend warrior who goes out and climbs when they can for the sheer passion of climbing! Profound... possibly, they are Living The Dream too!

I would love your insight to this interesting concept! Are you "Living The Dream"? Is it your dream? is it someone else's perception of what you are doing with your life? WHAT is it that constitutes "LIVING THE DREAM"? Is it just a label... or is there much more to it than that???? Thank you for reading and Please share your thoughts!

Ciao for now and keep spreading the love!

Feelin' Blue

SO, life finds us, climbers, blue... why do I say climbers???? because that's my passion, that's what I love to do without a shadow of a doubt, it's what I live for... ya, you might have something else that does that for you, cool, just substitute your thing and read on... This is not a sermon, or a confession, it's just how I feel and my spit on the page...

I get like this when life catches up to me and  I let it corner me into thinking that I'm trapped... why, because I am choosing for some reason to do everything but what it is that I truly want and love to do... climb! Sure, I can make up some excuse like I have to pay my bills, or someone has to run the business... excuses. But, I argue with myself, they are not excuses, they are hard facts... somewhere along the line in the vast and deadly beautiful wilderness of Patagonia I admitted to myself that EVERYTHING is a choice... so if I now turn around and side with the "hard facts" illusion, I am only lying to myself. Here I am now, in a space between what I know is the truth, and what I would like to believe. I believe that is what my 'blues' are all about. This is something that I have to get down in writing so that I can look at it and work it out.

Waiting... 

This picture inspired me the instant before I took it. Make of it what you will, to me it embodies everything I am feeling right now. Oh, ya... you're right, it's not climbing... what's your point?

What is it that sometimes some of us 'wait' for in life? Is it an answer? Is it divine intervention... a sign of some sort? Or, is it just that we have made a choice for whatever reason to just sit back, let it go by and complain about the fact that it's going by... harsh... I'm talking about myself here, so read into it what you feel is appropriate for you! Here I am, wishing that I were climbing, feeling down and out about all of the things I am choosing to do that are not what I truly want to do... am I waiting for something, something to grab me, to shake me, to pull me and tell me to go do what it is that I love to do? Then this nagging thought filters through my conscience, a thought that goes something like this: "You know the answers to the questions you seek, but they are not the answers you want to hear, not the 'shabang - here's an super quick, super easy solution for you bro'!, so you keep pretending to look even harder for the elusive answers to those questions... and now along with that, complaining about not 'finding' those answers makes you feel better about it! ...or does it really? Be honest with yourself now, shake all the rest off, look into the mirror and tell yourself that there has been no divine intervention, that you still seek the answers to your questions because they have not appeared to you! My reflection looks back at me blankly and without a smirk or any expression at all fires back simply, BULLSHIT!        I am feeling blue...

What do we fear...

So this has spilled eh! I know what the answer is... so why am I still sitting here feeling blue? Has anything changed with this knowledge? It should.

Now the question becomes, "why, when we know the answer, do we ignore its simplicity and continue to search for something that is far more complicated?". OUCH, did I just say that... guess i did, cuz it's written right back there! Is there an answer to that question that is universal you ask... no, I don't think so. I believe that answer will be quite person specific. Why am I still blue then?... because I am afraid to make the choices that I know I have to make in order not to feel this way. Afraid... me... ya. Afraid of what? Fear is usually of the unknown. I don't know or understand some of the possible consequences to some of the choices I know I have to make to move out of this blue... so I fear them. It has me sort of paralyzed. BULSHIT my brain screams at me, this was not an issue in Patagonia! You were just doing what you love to do there and did not have a problem with it did you?... what do I say to that? where does that leave me in my thinking...    blue.

Grateful to stand...

The beautiful part of being human is that we can choose where we wish to spend our time, in the past, in the future, or in the present moment... moment by moment! Here I am. My moment includes being loved, having shelter, having food, being ok in fact! Does my 'moment' include blue? The answer that I know, but often choose to ignore for want of a more complex, more epic answer is simply: ONLY if I allow it to! BULLSHIT screams something deep inside my head... I know better now...

A moment ago I was blue, in search for an answer to my feelings. In this moment, now, I feel free, feel thankful for what I experience right now. I know that if I choose to go climb, I will... and I also know that I will face the consequences to that choice, all in a line, all as they filter home in those precious moments to come. Now, I feel free.

High...: Friendship Amongst Climbers

High...: Friendship Amongst Climbers

Friendship Amongst Climbers

Friendship is one of those things that you either have or don't have! What does that mean??? I totally believe that most "friendships" are simply a matter of convenience, or at one or more of the 'friend's' personal expense. OUCH, how can I say that... because it is what it is! No, don't try to convince me that there are different 'levels' of friendships, or types...  as the Brits would say, "Rubbish!". What am I talking about then??? Read on...


Here goes, and feel free to agree or not! The friendship that I'm talking about is unconditional, that's right, no conditions... (don't get political on me here now... read the romantic side of this). I have been a part of many 'friendships' throughout my years, and I can admit that in the past I have been both the benefactor and the bastard! Of those friendships, the only ones that persevere are those that exist without interference of ego, hormones or other pointless emotions like jealousy, envy and greed (ya, greed can be an emotion, leave me with that!). So what then is this persevering 'friendship' made of, based on, surviving on??


Love. Oooooooh, there it is, that infamous four letter word that requires a blog all on it's own. I am going to employ that word in the truest sense of it's meaning. Leave it at that. BUT, it is not the only ingredient to a healthy, awesome, and timeless friendship! Being at peace with yourself is another firm requirement. If you are at odds with yourself in any way, you will project that into the friendship in some way, and that will create some form of imbalance and eventually cause a condition that evolves into an 'ego fest' of stupidity! The sort of friendship I am spitting about seems to be as elusive as the "Holy Grail" these days!

In my thirty-odd years of involvement in the world of climbing and mountaineering (not full-time) I have shared rope and many EPIC moments with a few people who today, simply put, would give their lives for me in an instant. That thought is reciprocal without conditions. Being 'right' is never an issue. That is ego driven and destroys many friendships before they have a chance to flourish. Do you do things, give things for your friends expecting something in return, even secretly deep inside? That's not how it works... How to explain this? With some of these beautiful people, contact is maybe once every two or three years, but when it happens, it's like we spoke last only yesterday and have not skipped a beat! Others, I see and interact with on a regular basis and it's just as intense. With some I have given volumes and truly, honestly never expected a thing in return. With others I have received volumes knowing that truly, honestly nothing was expected in return! The giving and taking never affects such friendship because it is not ego driven. I would even be so bold as to suggest that this kind of friendship comes before love... but is so intricately woven into the coarse fibers of love that it's difficult to distinguish as an entity of it's own. Pheeeew!


Enough... that was getting deep. Here it is, what I truly want to say: Thank you to all those who share in such a friendship! You light the way for others to follow and keep the true meaning of this concept alive. Climbers are not the only ones to experience this intense friendship... I'm not that vain! If you do not have such friendship, first I deeply empathize with you, second, start by sorting out your issues with yourself and then make new friends! It's never too late! Get on a rope and share the deepest sense of responsibility for anothers life... who knows, you might like it too! : P


Spread the love... life is short my friends!

Edification... WHAT??

E d i f i c a t i o n... you should not need Websters or Google for this! If you do... without being negative, please take note!


I wish to use a recent experience in my life to illustrate edification in it's proper sense. I spent a great amount of time and sincere effort into the application process for an amazing career opportunity in Chile. The owners of this first rate company were professional, diligent and sincere through  the entire process. I believe that, although I may not have been the first choice, I was offered the position I applied for in all sincerity. I accepted, humbled and overjoyed.


I was presented with the opportunity to be a part of a 42 day mountain school on the Northern Patagonian Ice Cap. I accepted with great enthusiasm! I was given the opportunity to learn, to record and to interact on this amazing adventure. I participated in an amazing arena where eight people had nowhere to go, nothing to hide behind and were not able to just up and walk away without serious consequence to their lives. For me, this was one experience. For my employers, who were also the guides, the teachers, the mentors, the counselors, this was but one of three such journeys, back-to-back, that season!

I have the utmost respect, admiration and love for these two people. They give everything they have in the most extreme of situations, in one of the most hostile/beautiful and unforgiving environs on this planet. They have an intense understanding of risk management and the discipline to pull it off over and over again in the most threatening situations! What they offer their students is an experience that changes lives, alters destinies, and lives on for all time. These two amazing people have devoted their lives to enriching the lives of those who dare to seek out that elusive opportunity to truly become who you are!


I would do anything for these two beautiful souls. Unfortunately events in my own life offered up the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make... I am no longer there, no longer a part of their adventure! I would like to believe that I am still a part of their experience, like countless others they have mentored and given the opportunity to truly find themselves. For that experience I am eternally grateful. It changed my life in so many ways. Thank you Jaya and Ben, for everything, even for those things that none of us understand... may we one day share a bowl of Mate and embrace it all! You are truly the best of people, and the most worthy friends in any arena of life. I edify you both in the truest sense of the word... I love you both and thank you for a gift that has more worth than price could be set. Keep doing what you do best!

Love of the MOMENT...

Climbing, relationships, pets, family, friends... it occurred to me just recently that all of these can be enjoyed moment by moment! Each moment to be relished for exactly what it is!

What does this mean?? To me it simplifies everything. A past moment has already been enjoyed. It will never, ever happen again exactly the same... it is unique! The emotions that evolved from this moment are a memory, anything we learned from this moment has been posted somewhere to the brain in memory... leave it in the past as you have gained everything from this moment that was offered. A moment in the present is giving you all of this right now. SOAK IT UP! Moments in the future are yours for the experience and will happen with or without you.

What is important?? Live each moment as it occurs, while it occurs and for it's duration! then, look forward only to the next moment in time and what it has to offer. Many of us spend so much time trying to recover past moments or attempting to manifest future moments that present moments are just ignored. How often have you walked past a flower and absently thought, "I wonder what that flower smells like?"and kept walking with that thought lingering on... instead of stopping and living that moment to commit to memory! How many times have we left a friend, a family member or a spouse and not said, "I love you?" instead of taking that moment to create a sweet memory??

What to do??? Choosing to live in the moment, moment by moment, allows you to live, experience and love your life. It also aligns your spirit, your soul with the present world and sharpens your senses, your intuition, your ability to be! Make a choice and live. Too many of us are simply put, "Walking Dead!".
Moment by moment, may your life be your choice!

Love ya.

Route Finding!

In the climbers world, "route finding" is an important skill to master. Getting "off-route" could be dangerous, and may lead one into the relative unknown. That is not entirely a 'bad' thing, as some of us gather a 'high' from entering the realm of the 'unknown'. Epics are derived of such deviations, and who knows how those will end... have to play them out and be as smart as you can! Great fuel for writing captivating bits and pieces though... after the fact! Route finding implies both the approach, the climb, and the exit! Always have to remember that once you have reached the goal you are only half way... still have to make an exit that leaves you walking & talking so that you can do it again!

Climbing has so many metaphors for the realities in life. 'Route finding' may just as well be ones day to day experience of life itself. There is always a dead wrong route, then it's a crap shoot, and something different works for different people. Who's to say what's right and what's wrong at this point? As long as your route is not obviously injurious to self or others by principal intent (holy grey area) and it is ethical and morally sound (yet another debatable can of worms)... sigh.


Have you ever been hopelessly LOST? ...either out in nature, or in life in general?? What do we do in situations like that? What is the deciding factor for those who survive and pull out of it to go on and 'live' another day, another adventure, another epic? IS there a definitive factor at all, or is it just 'chance' that enables such results... I, for one, don't count on 'chance'. 

Do you believe in yourself? ...in your abilities to survive the unexpected, to be strong and able to make good decisions under the most extreme forms of duress? Can you do something so simple as to honestly look at yourself in a mirror and say out loud, "I love you". Lets explore this a bit... take it a bit further then. How about still gazing lovingly at your reflection and adding to that, "I believe in you, I know you have what it takes to overcome, to persevere and to go the distance to survive!" The most incredible aspect of this is that you have to be brutally honest with yourself in the first place. Do it when nobody is around... this is between you and you!! Let me know what the outcome is. I know what mine is, and I also know that I am a solid survivor against all odds. I believe that I have a handle on what differentiates these people from others. I'm not saying I am invincible, for I know that one day I too will bite the big one. Until then, I also know that I am pretty damn good at route finding... in more than the Websters definition of the term... and we have not even touched on the concept of half empty vs half full! 


That's for another rant in another blog! Stay alive, stay 'high' and keep loving you!

Moments from a blue hole...

Choosing between sustained winds that can tear the skin off your face and the relative sanctity of a snow cave... many hours of slicing icy snow with shovels powered by aching muscles and steel wills! On the flank of Cerro San Valentin, as the ferocity of the storm reveals itself, the icy blue hollow of the snow cave proves to be a rhetorical choice. In the blue-white belly of this hundred meter high snow drift, life for eight adventurous mountaineers takes on a fresh perspective. The adventure of a lifetime, an arena of learning through the "Mountain Guide Training School - Extremely Patagonia Ltd", an experience that will linger on with you for the rest of your life! Its day thirty-something of a forty-two day "mountaineering school" adventure on the southern Patagonian Ice Cap and patience amongst other things has become a thin, tipsy act of  balance.

Breathing is one of the things that many of us take for granted, without intent! The air that we must breathe in order to sustain our lives is usually all around us and in ample supply. Those of us who choose to enter a realm where that very same air may become excruciatingly short in supply begin to understand it's vital role in our very existence!  Wind driven snow drifts into the tiniest openings and packs into a solid mass which does not allow the exchange of gases in or out! In the snow cave, we breathe the life giving air, and exhale poisonous carbon dioxide... over time, if there is no exchange with fresh air, the end result is suffocation. That usually happens while one is asleep, dreaming blissfully of loved ones and more hospitable places on this planet. Death in this scenario, were one to leave the situation unchecked, becomes an eminent reality! Our goal was to live, and so breathing becomes yet another choice!

The choice becomes waking on an hourly, or as necessary rotation, to dig out the entrance to the snow cave and the advancing drift outside. From a semi-warm, semi-dry sleeping bag into wet socks, wet boot liners, wet base layers, wet shell layer and out into the raging world of yet another infamous Patagonian ice cap storm! Time to reflect on ones most inner self, ones most primal senses of survival and then later to stumble upon the fact that only a very few people ever manifest the opportunity to get to know themselves that well! Back in your wet sleeping bag, covered in spindrift which endlessly blows into the opening that you have just cleared with an urgency to transform it yet again into a smooth, perfect impervious wall of snow.
And so, you shiver yourself to sleep, knowing that your watch is not for another period of time, time in which you can salvage every tiny essence of warmth and sense of shelter from the raging wind and snow beyond these eerie blue/white walls... your castle, your prison, your shelter, your virtual oasis in a desert of ice, snow and howling wind! Yesterday is past, today has been yet another test, and tomorrow will come whether you choose to prepare for it or not!

Ready for Life...

It's never a dress rehearsal, always sense for sense, delicious second for second r e a l!  You don't have to understand it, only realize that in everything you always have a choice. It may not be the choice you desire, or the most optimal one, but in the end you always have a choice, regardless of how small and insignificant or large and overwhelming it may appear!

So... choices eh! Ya. That simple, right... could be, if you step aside from your ego and take an optimistic, humble look at things! Ouch! Uh huh, that's right, you read it right! "But I don't have an ago challenge"...great, then keep that open, humble mind and keep reading!

To every choice there is a set of consequences. It's super important to be able to understand the impact of those consequences, as they impact those around you as well as you! Rule number one... your choices and their inevitable consequences must be ethical, moral, non-injurious to self and others and legal in the simplest sense of the word! This is the basic foundation for getting ready for life. There is more...

Now that we understand the concept of choice, I can introduce the next most important ingredient in a happy, successful life. Think and choose to be positive. That one is not rocket science, although if you let your 'ego' get in the way, it can be a monumental task to be sure! So many books have been written on that topic alone, it's staggering. Learn to channel every thought into something positive, especially before you open your mouth! You may indeed create your own sense of serenity and well being by choosing to see and be the positive in all things. The next one will bake your noodle, because it is the simplest, most often overlooked and taken for granted ingredient in life.

It is a simple four letter word that can fill your very existence with substance and worth... l o v e. I'm not talking about sex, or tween infatuation, but the most humble origins of the word, the opposite to it's darker brother... hate! Love yourself first and foremost... having a challenge with that, oh - CHECK the ego, because that would be your challenge! Cool with it, right on, then let's just slide right into the most important ingredient in life and lay it all right out in the open, on the line, whether you like it or not! If you have a challenge with this one, then Freud would spit it like it is... your ego controls your life! Get help!

Understand that we are all spiritual beings. Simple. That's it, just that we are all connected with everything at a much higher level than most of us choose to function. I'm not talking about Reverend Jimmy spitting at you over the tube to give him all your worldly possessions, just the fact that all things are interconnected with a flux of spiritual energy. Ancients drew the symbol of the spiral in caves and on clothing and pottery, it's symbolism being the spiral of abundant and never-ending, interconnected energy. We are all a part of it, all things are! This energy is there whether you choose to acknowledge it or not... makes no difference to it! If you do, and you realize that we are all a part of it, then you acknowledge that "God", or the "creator", or whatever label you choose to put on it, is within each and every one of us. We can channel that spiritual energy into our daily lives, and combined with everything else it makes us whole, allows us to have an innate sense of calm in who and what we truly are all about! So there you have it. Be happy. Choose this for yourself and the loved ones around you! Dare you...